Speaking from experience...

Fears and hope...

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:53:43 GMT

I love my job. I really do. I am blessed to have a job that I am comfortable with and confident in. I am able to feel like I am making a difference in the lives of the children and families that I work with. For those of you who don't know, I work as a Parent Educator for the local Parents As Teachers program. I primarily do home visits with families of young children, prenatally through (currently) age 3 and teach the parents how to help their children develop the way the should be. This includes everything from introducing activities and ideas for toys and games that help learning to developmental screenings and referrals to early intervention services for children who need them. Most of the children I work with are on track developmentally and I help keep them that way. Other children either have suspected delays that I keep track of, are going through the process of getting diagnosed with delays, or have significant delays and are getting additional services to help get them on track before they start school. With my special education background, I'm pretty confident in being able to spot problems before pulling out the screening tools to evaluate them. I have only once been shocked by a screening, and it was for a child that I was looking in one direction for a problem and missed the other problem all together.

Anyways, I met a family the other day that scared the hell out of me. For confidentially purposes, I can't go into a lot of detail about this family. What I can say is this: I can completely see myself in their situation. This family went through fertility treatments for several years before finally conceiving. When they did conceive, it was with multiples and complications ensued. She delivered at only 26 weeks and the babies each weighed less than a pound and a half. Now, they are nearing six months old and are developmentally less than 2 months old. This gives me such mixed emotions. It gives me hope - she was able to get pregnant with treatments (though I don't know what treatments or the cause of her infertility). She used the same office that I am using. It can happen! But it also terrifies me - the years it took to get pregnant, the risk of multiples, the prematurity...

You see these types of stories everywhere. One such story is even a hit reality show: Jon and Kate Plus 8. They were able to get pregnant with help and have a beautiful family. However, the complications, the multiple sets of multiples, everything involved in parenting so many children. I've taught preschool and have been in the situation of dealing with multiple young children of the same age, but I wouldn't want to live in a preschool classroom. Jon and Kate make it look so easy, but we all know that it's not. It takes dedication and love, which Chris and I have, but it also takes a lot of other resources that we don't. I think I could handle and would be thrilled with twins. Anything more and I don't know what I would do...

My biggest problem is that I know all of the things that can go wrong. Knowing that makes it so hard to focus on everything that can go right.

A trip to the endocrinologist...

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 01:39:23 GMT

I feel like my head is about to explode. I had my first visit with the endocrinologist today and the entire visit was a consult to come up with a battle plan. I feel like a specimen in a jar now. Don't get me wrong, Dr. K was awesome in explaining everything and her rationale behind it, but with all the tests and procedures she ordered, I'm a little overwhelmed. On top of the continuing blood workups and panels being done, she's ordered an endometrial biopsy, a lipid panel, a 2 hour glucose tolerance test, and a HSG (which I've had in the past and know are not pleasant). Plus, I have my ultrasound tomorrow.

The funny thing is that even though I am having all of these tests done on me, I feel bad for my husband because he has to have a semen analysis done. *lol* It's not the fact that he has to have it done, it's just the way it was kind of sprung on him, though I warned him about it to before the visit. Poor thing walked out of the dr's office with a little paper bag with 2 little cups in it so he could do what needs to be done at home. *lol*

But for now, she said I most likely will not need synthroid for my TSH levels since they were still in the normal range, but she wants to make sure my TSH levels are checked frequently (once a month) and repeat a lot of stuff that was done back in 2001-2002, including going back on met and trying the cycles of clomid again. *sigh* It's going to be a long and bumpy ride...

X-posted to PCOSupport

Questions answered and created...

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 20:51:34 GMT

I had to go back to the Dr. on Thursday. I was bleeding so severely, I thought I was hemorrhaging. I started bleeding really heavy on Monday night, but by Thursday morning, it was still really bad. I was passing 1 to 4 clots every hours and each was at least the size of a golf ball, if not bigger. The nurse practitioner did another pelvic, which proceeded the bleeding in the first place, and concluded that she didn't see anything abnormal. Hmmm... Then she gave me some progesterone pills (200mg) and told me it would stop the bleeding, which it's slowed down but hasn't stopped.

I know this woman is a trained medical professional, but I didn't like her. It took me nearly a half hour to get it through her head that I had been bleeding for over three years. She couldn't understand that I couldn't tell her when I had my periods because of this bleeding. I told her "I bleed like I am on my period every single day and have been since September of 2005" and she still didn't get it. Also, she insisted that the progesterone would stop the bleeding all together. You know, Dr. P's goal is to find the cause of the bleeding and to stop it. Don't you think he would have prescribed me this if he thought it would stop it all together? Well, after 5 of the 10 doses taken, I am still bleeding. It stopped the clotting and near-hemorrhaging-bleeding, but I am still bleeding. Damn it.

Anyways, I got a call from Dr. P's office about my blood tests from last week. My TSH (thyroid-stimulating hormone) level is in the normal range, but on the highest end of normal. My insulin levels were through the roof, but my glucose levels were perfectly normal. Also, my iron levels were a little low, but not too low. So basically, I MIGHT have hypothyroidism and anemia, but they're not sure and no one said what the insulin/glucose levels mean. I have to go back tomorrow for fasting glucose/insulin levels, even though I had not eaten in over 12 hours before having the last set of blood drawn. *shrugs* All of these results are being forwarded to Dr. K, who is an endocrinologist, to see what she wants to do about it all. I'll find out more when I see her on the 28th, hopefully.

All I know is that I am being nickel and dimed by co-pays on these office visits.

It's official...we're trying...

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 21:40:56 GMT

WARNING - THIS JOURNAL ENTRY IS GRAPHIC AND CONTAINS SENSITIVE MEDICAL INFORMATION THAT MAY GROSS PEOPLE OUT!

Blame it on my job and the fact that I get paid to go to people's homes and play with their babies. Blame it on my now-6-month-old niece and the fact that comes over every morning for a few hours when my sister-in-law is in classes. Blame it on the fact that I am approaching 30 and don't have a baby of my own.

It's official. We're trying to get pregnant.

For a normal couple, this just means an increase in sexual activity during the right times of the month. For me, it means a team of doctors and fertility specialists and many, many medical tests. I've never been normal, but this is especially true when it comes down to my, how do we say...lady bits. Back in Sept of 2000, I had an abnormal pap smear. That abnormal pap turned into one doctor tell me I had HPV and thus had to freeze my cervix to remove the abnormal cells. This was done. However, I despised this doctor and the way he wouldn't listen to me, how I had to drive an hour in each direction to see him, and how I could never get an appointment during the time frame I was told to follow-up with him in. I told him something wasn't right and HPV didn't fit. I wasn't bleeding. No periods. Now, this may sound like a wonderful and joyous thing, as now many women take pills to help prevent this monthly inconvenience. To me, it was a pain in the ass since a normal woman is supposed to bleed. He said that once my system reset itself without the HPV cells, I would be fine and everything would start right back up again. Yeah, that sounded like bullshit to me too.

I went for a second opinion to a doctor that would know what he was talking about: the Chief of Medicine at the Jones Institute in Norfolk, VA. Hells Ya! Finally someone who specializes in problems with lady bits and not just someone who does pap smears for a living. Hell, a nurse practitioner could have done that first doctor's job. Anyways, he told me I had PCOS, not HPV. he said I wasn't bleeding because I wasn't ovulating so the key was to get me to ovulate on a regular cycle. After a year of tests (blood work-ups, HSG, regular sonograms, and more), medications (glucophage, clomid, progesterone), and countless days off of work for appointments, nothing happened. I was exhausted, my marriage was strained, and we were both making excuses as to why it wasn't the right time for a baby.

Fast forward to now. A new husband (who married me a few months before I started bleeding - poor guy), several states, and new insurance later, we decided that it's time. I have been bleeding for over three years straight and that is as good of reason as any to go see a doctor. The last doctor I saw told me 6 months into it that I was bleeding for so long to flush out everything that had built up from over 4 years of no periods. When I had the HSG done in 2001 (maybe it was 2002), that doctor told me my uterine lining was over 9 inches thick. That's a lot to have to slough off. Shortly after that last appointment, we lost our health insurance. This past Monday, I met my new doctor, Dr. P. It was a light bleeding day so we attempted to do a pap, he told me that my uterus is enlarged but that didn't surprise him, and we discussed options. I got a referral to an infertility specialist (Dr. K) to cover the baby thing and he's going to try to stop the bleeding. I have an ultrasound scheduled with him on the 29th to see if he can see the source of all of this blood. He said he didn't feel or see any cysts or polyps, so we need to get inside the problem, so to speak. We also drew blood for a full panel (6 vials! that's like 3 gallons or something!) and I should hear back from that in the next few days.

I called Dr. K's office today, expecting a few months delay in getting in, and surprise! they had an appointment for the 28th. I took it. What was I going to say - Sorry, I want to get my ultrasound first from Dr. P and then I'll call you back.

Anyways, that's where I stand. I think my uterus is mad as hell for being violated by Dr. P. I started clotting on Monday and haven't stopped. It would be one thing if they were little and stringy, but they have been several inches in diameter (golf ball size mostly) and coming almost every 1-2 hours. I spiked a fever of 102 Monday night and, though that may have something to do with the sinus drainage and my trying to hack up a lung, my stomach has not stopped cramping since. I've had to take the past 2 days off of work and this is killing my paid time off hours that I planned to use for my various appointments.

I know women have children up into their forties (hell, some of the families I work with are first time parents in their late thirties through middle forties), but with the problems I've had in the past, I don't want to take the risk of it never happening. I'm ready to have a baby. I want to be a Mom. Who better to be a parent than someone who teaches parenting classes and techniques?

I must be God's little bitch this year...

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:54:03 GMT

So, the Jeep was recovered on the morning of the 15th, a week after it was stolen. They found it in front of a bus stop on the 6600 block of Clemens in University City. It was jacked the hell up. The steering column had been ripped out (how they got it to start), the back window was busted (how they got in), the front seat had been broken, the visor ripped down, the back passenger side tire messed up, the driver side scraped and scratched from head light to tail light, and so on. All in all, over $3700 worth of repairs, according to the receipt I got from the shop when I picked it up on Monday evening. That's right, I picked up the Jeep from the shop on Monday evening at around 4:30pm. And it was beautiful. It looked like it did when we bought it a year ago. I was so very happy. I filled it up with a full tank of gas and drove to St. Peters to Barb's house so we could go to a Pampered Chef party together. I drove home. I ran errands yesterday: went to the bank (that's a whole different issue, but I'll get into that), took Chris to work, got my pre-employment physical and TB test done, went to the post office, and came home. All in all, I put 60 or so miles on the Jeep after filling it up. When I took the dogs out around 7:30pm, I even stopped to admire the body work that had been done. And then Chris got home...

Chris came barreling up the stairs yelling for me, "Baby, where are you? Are you home?" I called out from the bedroom, where I was on the computer. He looked panicked and asked, "Where did you park the Jeep?" I told him it was right out front under the window. Then, I heard the three words that would ruin my entire year (as if it hadn't already been ruined): "It's not there." WTF? He was kidding. Surely, he had to be kidding. I laughed a little (nervously - of course he was kidding), but the pit was growing in my stomach. I grabbed the car keys, hit the panic button, and nothing. Silence. I went downstairs and saw the big gaping hole where the Jeep had been parked. No glass on the ground. No sign that it had ever been there. Nothing. I knocked on the neighbor's door since her light was one and asked if she had heard anything. No, but she had seen it parked there when she got home at 8pm.

So, I call the police and the officer pulled up the license plate and got confused. His screen said it had been towed. Well, he was right, but was over a week late on the news. He was looking at the report of recovery from the 15th. He filed a new report and went along his way. I called the insurance company and made another claim. The adjuster called me today to do the report on the claim, and this is what he told me. Our policy canceled as of 12:01am this morning. Apparently the payment arrangement I had made to pay the $100 I owed on the policy did not get recorded. I had an arrangement to pay this on Thursday when Chris got paid. Unfortunately, we had to put out $150 for a deductible on Monday to get the Jeep back. The first theft put a greater financial strain on us, since I wasn't able to pick up the temp nanny jobs that came my way like I planned for lack of transportation. However, since the loss occurred before the policy canceled, it SHOULD be covered, emphasis on the SHOULD. The adjuster is researching it while proceeding with the paperwork for the claim. Again, I am in limbo while I wait for word on the recovery of the Jeep (if it gets recovered any time soon - it did have a full tank of gas this time).

In other news, I am pissed off at my bank. They charged me $50 in fees for insufficient funds on two items that didn't bounce, causing four items that otherwise wouldn't have bounced to bounce, causing me to incur $100 more in fees. The bank manager couldn't understand how it was a bank error, so when I told him that once this got fixed that I was taking my business elsewhere, he basically said, "See ya!" This was after he spent an hour trying to explain to me the "official bank terms" for 'We're going to steal your money while fucking you up the ass!" I'm not an idiot. And I don't take kindly to those who are. Anyways, after all was said and done, $125 of the $150 was refunded, and honestly, I am too tired and drained emotionally and mentally to argue about $25 that I don't have. Also, in addition to this account screw-up, my personal account that I just opened on Friday got all messed up (bank errors!) to the point where they doubled my deposits, and then erased all account history EXCEPT the one withdrawal I did of $100 for the deductible to get the Jeep back on Monday, resulting in the account showing as $100 in the negative. I am totally switching banks.

I was once told that God tests those whom he loves the most. Well, I have been tested. Over and over and over again. Doesn't God have someone better to pick on? I'm tired of his sadomasochistic ways...

I am down...commence with the kicking...

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 04:45:44 GMT

You know, I kept telling myself that things would get better. I got offered and accepted the job I moved down here for. Granted, it doesn't start until next month, but I was willing to wait and sacrifice financially for it. Who needs to eat out? I have an awesome kitchen and the time to keep it clean. Shopping? Nah. There's tons of free stuff to do around town. Besides, being off of work gives me time to spend with the various people who popped into town, like my mom, my brother-in-law and his wife, and Kristen (though she never showed). It allows me to get completely settled and into the groove of things before having to add another aspect to my life. We all know I tend to overload on things. I wanted to ease into everything: watching my niece on weekdays, starting classes again and working towards my next degree, unpacking, spending time with family, starting Pampered Chef again, working a full-time job, and everything else. However, everything that I had planned and worked for by going to school and moving here is in jeopardy, all because someone (or someones) spit out some ungrateful kids who don't know the difference between right and wrong...two selfish bastards who I would personally do some serious physical (or at least mental) harm to if ever I meet them.

Someone stole my fucking Jeep on Friday.

Now, this may sound like a major inconvenience for some, but for me, this is potentially life threatening. This means that the job that I longed for may not come to fruition. You see, a large majority of my job, about 95% or more, includes making home visits. As a condition of employment, I have to have a vehicle. No ifs, ands, or buts about its. I **MUST** have a car. Yes, I have insurance, and that insurance does cover a rental. However, what I lack is a credit card. You see, in order to get this rental, I have to have a credit card to secure it, then wait for the insurance company to either reimburse me the cost of the rental (coverage is $30/day for up to 30 days - so roughly $900) or pick up the billing for me. FUCK! They won't pick up the billing until the Jeep is either recovered (slim chance as the police have more important things to do than actively look for my Jeep) or can be written off as a total loss, which could take several weeks (more weeks than I have rental coverage).

All in all, I am so totally screwed. We have already fallen behind on bills and we need a second income. We haven't been able to make the rent this month ($725), are getting shut off notices for the phone/internet ($250 as I couldn't pay the bill last month either), still have to pay this month's car payment on a car we don't even have ($325), cover the insurance bill as we can't allow it to cancel while they are investigating the theft ($215), need to pay the electric bill ($60), and still afford groceries. So, this month in bills alone, we need $1575. Well, Chris doesn't make that much.

Dear Lord, I need a miracle.

THAT'S SO MONEY!!!

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 08:53:20 GMT

I dunno. I've been watching a lot of Guy's Big Bite and he says that a lot. Anyways, GOOD NEWS! We've got money! This is awesome. The financial aid payment came in (just over $1650) and we can pay rent, get caught up on the car payment, reinstate the car insurance, and license the car in Missouri! SWEET! We were so excited, we went to Walmart at 1:30am and spent $160 on household stuff we needed like clothes hangers, trash cans, a broom, swiffer wetjet, kitchen towels and pot holders, glasses, and other misc household stuff. They didn't have the dishes we wanted, so we need to go to a different walmart and shell out another $40 for those. *sigh* And tomorrow, we can get groceries and pet food! WOOHOO! I'm so excited! We have a full tank of gas too! SWEET!

And to top off everything else, my beautiful wonderful and fabulous new niece, Madeline, was born on Monday (June 30th) at 4:25pm. I got to go see her on Tuesday and she looks so much like her big sister, only darker skinned.

Now, if only I'd get a job offer.....

Back where I started from...

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 16:38:14 GMT

Things are so weird now. Not weird as in bad, but not weird as in good. Just weird. I feel like I've betrayed myself in a way, but I know that's not true. There are things I said I would never do that I have done, and still continue to do. I said I would never move back to St. Louis. Not only did I do just that, But I was so excited to get here, and now feel like I am home. Disregard the fact that all I have is $20 and a half tank of gas in a Jeep that's a month behind on the payment with plates that expire on Tuesday and insurance that lapsed three days ago. Oh, and I'm unemployed and probably won't be working until August. Just forget all about that. Did I mention that all my furniture is in a storage unit because I can't get it through the front door of my 650sqft second floor apartment? Plus I have a degree I can't prove I have because I owe the college $740, a degree that I need in order to get a job... Yeah, other than that, things are great! *lol*

Chris started working two days ago. There's a funny story behind this too. This is also part of the "Things I Will Never Do or Become" list. Chris is working at the factory. You know, the one that my dad has worked at for 30 years. The very same one that my brother works at. That factory. I told myself that I would be better than my parents. Don't get me wrong - I love my parents. I just wanted better than a retail job while being married to a man who worked in a factory. But, here we are. I'm unemployed, and he's working at the factory. Woohoo...

But, that's ok. I'm glad he's working there. I think it puts into perspective for him where I came from. He's starting to be able to see the inside of me. He's starting to see the type of environment that I grew up in, and the reasons behind my dysfunctions. And you know, that's a good thing.

I was afraid that coming back here would just be overwhelming emotionally. Well, it's not as bad as I thought. I was so proud of myself the other week when I had to drive out to Kirkwood and Des Peres and didn't have massive flashbacks. Yes, it made me a little sad to remember the places that Stephen and I used to go to and the things we did together, but I didn't break down. That really helps to show me that I am evolving. Yes, I admit that I am not 100% over him, nor do I think I ever will be. It's impossible to forget your first true love. But now, I remember the good times we had, and not the last few years where it all fell apart. And on top of all of that, Chris and I are able to make new memories. Here we are, living on our own, with hope and a future in front of us. I'm actually optimistic, and that's a rarity.

So, here I am, sitting in my little apartment near the Central West End (CWE). It's a ghetto neighborhood that's being rebuilt. My apartment is in a newly rehabbed building and has beautiful woodwork, marble tile in the bathroom, granite and stainless steel in the kitchen, and deep honey wood floors. It's beautiful. Even without furniture in it. It's a block from a stip of Manchester with all the trendy little restaurants and bars. And apparently, every Thursday night it becomes the happenning Gay mecca of St. Louis. Woot! We're less than a mile from the Metro station, a block away from a lot of bus lines. Problem is, we've got nowhere to go...for now. Give me a few weeks, and all that will change.

For once in my life, I feel like I'm home.

After a long rest, I am exhausted...

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 04:15:41 GMT

It's been forever since I've posted (this is the first post this year, I believe). So much has been going on, physically and emotionally. I am in Michigan, living with family, and going stir crazy. I hate not being independent. I fought so hard when I was younger to assert my independence only to lose it almost 10 years later. This was supposed to be a temporary situation, but after many months of searching fruitlessly for employment and making the decision to return to school, I am still as broke as I was before. I am in the process of filing for bankruptcy and the irony of it is that I can't even afford the lawyer. Unfortunately, the car payment and the insurance for said car take presidence, and after those two bills, I am flat broke each month.

However, after busting my ass in the spring, I finished my first term of school with a 4.0 GPA and a line on the President's List. I am taking summer classes now and am still at the top of my classes. I am going to be swamped the next three terms (my school uses trimesters) with 20 hours in the fall, another 20 in the winter, and 18 in the spring plus my practicum which is 90 hours of work experience on top of the course load. However, I should have my associate's in Early Childhood Education after this is said and done and I will be able to transition seamlessly into my bachelor's program of Elementary Education (specialization of Social Studies). Hopefully, there will be no conflicts of scheduling for my winter classes or I will have to wait almost an entire year for my associates.

Other than school, my life is chaos. I have been working very hard to stem off a manic attack (I have yet to figure out if it's hyper or hypo). I left my job due to harassment and stress even though not being there puts a huge financial strain on me. I start work tomorrow in the Learning Center at the college, but it's only work study so it will not support me. It will, however, pay the increase in tuition that I will have to face with the extra credits I am taking. However, being poor has its advantages as the severe drop in income and independence has made me eligible for a Pell grant to help pay for school. Now I will be able to take that many classes and not take out additional loans (I have way too many as it is).

Anyways, other than writing the facts of my life as they are right now, I have not been in the mood to write. So all this being said, fare thee well...

Naughty fun in the church baptistry....

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 01:33:36 GMT

I had someone make me laugh so hard tonight I shot lasagna out of my nose.

Now that takes bloody talent.

My reply to the flake.....

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 19:05:31 GMT

...As far as Kristen is concerned, I don't understand how I
promised her the job when on the two occasions you met with
her, you told her that she was wasting her time at
Blockbuster, she would be better off at (the center), and that you
would train her to take over the Tuesday/Thursday music
classes. I don't think that was me promising her a job as
much as it was you hiring her. Also, why would you need to
pay her for her time if she was not there working but instead
observing and interviewing for the position? Neither she nor
I were aware that teaching at (the center) requires a degree,
especially since neither you nor your ad on Monster.Com states
as much. According to your ad, teaching play and music both
requires backgrounds in music and early childhood and that
training would be provided for both positions. You confirmed
this in person. I apologize if we misunderstood you when you
told me to provide her the lesson plans and that she would
start training as soon as she could. Anyways, she was very
upset, having put in her notice at Blockbuster and knowing
that now she doesn't have a job she was very excited and eager
to begin.

I will bring by my key and the shirts you provided me as soon
as I can later this week. I feel that my talents and
experience would be better suited (elsewhere). I ask that you
mail both my and her pay to my home address as soon as you have the checks available.

And the only reply I got back was:
...Please, no hard feelings.
Please return the shirts, key, and ink please.
Why not come in tomorrow at 9 am so we can talk.
I will be at (the center) tonight if you want to call there.

No, I don't think I will be calling. I'll return her stuff, but that's it.

Sometimes I wonder why I even try....

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 22:32:11 GMT

It's been several months since I've worked. In those months, I've done quite a bit to the house. I am tired of working on this house knowing that it's not going to sell anytime soon. In my boredom and brokeness, I started applying for jobs. Well, lo and behold, I got one. I started working at a children's center that does development classes. It's been a week, and already I'm about to kill this woman.

She hired me to be her center manager. She told me she wanted me to help her expand her center's enrollment from the current 150. She said she has a great location, great teachers, great classes and program, but no advertising and no idea how to go about expanding her client base. Ok. This I can do. This is what I did at TAPS. This is my speciality. We talked about many options and ideas, all of which she loved. I told her she needed to bring a computer into the center and she agreed, telling me to shop around for what we would need. I did and found a very cheap one for her, but then she refused to buy it. She said I didn't need it. She said she has no problem with me working from home. Ok. I can work with that.

She said she would like to send mailers to the families that had previously attended classes and did not re-enroll. Ok. I showed her clipart and mockup designs. She said she loved them. I design something and have it printed up.She said that what I did was completely wrong and that I should have gotten her ok before printing them up. Hmmm... Ummm... Didn't I though? Oh well, she still wanted to use them anyways and we mail them out.

She told me she wanted the inventory in the store section of the center straight and put together. She wanted signs made up with the prices of everything on them. Ok. I make them and relay out the store and post the signs. Everyone loves them. She loves them. Then she doesn't. They are all wrong. They are not to the center's standards. However, since they are already done, she'll go ahead and leave them up. However, as a result of the "remodeling" of the store, the sales jump and we doubled the sales figures on three different days.

She tells me we need to get new teachers in. I ask her what she is looking for. She says people with childcare and teaching backgrounds. She has an ad on monster.com (how I found her that says this:
We are looking for a fun-loving, happy teacher to work part-time with a great team.
We have a variety of positions available.
Sales Associate – must be a “people-person” and good at selling memberships and home learning products.
Music teacher- musical background – will train (Parent-Child Music program- ages 5 months to 5 years)
Play teacher-background in early childhood- will train-(Parent-Child programs ages 3 weeks to 5 ½ years)
Certified Baby Sign teachers
Certified Yoga Instructors
I tell her about a friend of mine who has childcare experience, is very involved in her church, has a music background, and is studying to be a special education teacher. She says she wants to meet her. She's excited about meeting her. She I go to my friend, excited for her that she has an opprotunity to leave the hell that is her current job. I talk up the job to her. I tell her that it's a great opprotunity for her. She's excited too. I take her to work with me one night and they meet. They both get excited. My friend is told that she needs to leave her current job as soon as possible and come teach at the center. She tells me to provide all of the lesson plans that will be needed. My friend agrees and puts in her notice at work. She goes back later in the week to start training. Everything is going good.

Let me say it again: Everything was going good.

Then I get this email:

...I have 2 degreed teachers that want to work.
Since you promised Kristen a job, would you please tell her I do not have
any positions open at this time. I do not have her phone number, resume,
nor do I even know her last name. Teaching at (this center) requires a degreed teacher.
I will pay her $35 for her time on Friday.
I would truly like to talk with you.
Sorry I have to write this out but you leave me no choice...

Whoa. Wait a minute. *I* promised her the job? Teaching there requires a degree? She doesn't have any positions open at this time? Then why the hell did she tell her that she should leave her job and teach there? Why did she already start training her? Why did I send her lesson plans? So I tell my friend, and this was the chat between us: (I am Bouncy Pouncy)

Her: okay now i'm pissed!
Me: yeah, me too
Her: what the bloody hell???
Her: i'm pissed for you, but what the #@$%@$!!!!!!!!!!!1
Her: what am i supposed to do now?!?
Her: holy crap!!!
Bouncy Pouncy: hold on a sec
Her: she said she wanted me to take the classes!!!
Her: ????
Her: !!!!!
Me: I know, but suddenly she's got two teachers who want to work instead, and now suddenly you have to be a licensed teacher to work for her
Me: even though Jenny, her best teacher, is not licensed and neither is Kelly
Her: what does it say on the website???
Bouncy Pouncy: Jenny used to be a Clinique saleperson at Hechts
Her: what are the true requirements??
Bouncy Pouncy: hold on and let me get it for you
Her: i knew elizsabeth was taking her evening, and that was cool
Bouncy Pouncy: and the other woman wanted to teach the play
Bouncy Pouncy: the one who was in there with you guys
Her: but the job was given to me! i've already started to train!!
Her: wtf!!!!
Bouncy Pouncy: that's why trisha said you should focus on music
Her: ????
Bouncy Pouncy: this woman is nuts
Her: so do i have a job or not?
Her: this really pisses me off! and she was not honest with me!
Her: !!!!!
Bouncy Pouncy: you do not have a job
Bouncy Pouncy: here's what her ad says:
Bouncy Pouncy: We are looking for a fun-loving, happy teacher to work part-time with a great team.
We have a variety of positions available.
Sales Associate – must be a “people-person” and good at selling memberships and home learning products.
Music teacher- musical background – will train (Parent-Child Music program- ages 5 months to 5 years)
Play teacher-background in early childhood- will train-(Parent-Child programs ages 3 weeks to 5 ½ years)
Certified Baby Sign teachers
Certified Yoga Instructors
Her: it does say teacher
Her: damn!
Her: but it also says training
Bouncy Pouncy: it does not say you have to be a certified teacher for play or music
Her: no it does not
Bouncy Pouncy: it says you need a musical background
Bouncy Pouncy: it says certified for yoga and sign
Her: hold on sec i have to get dressed right quick
Her: for bible class tonight
Her: wtf!!!!
Bouncy Pouncy: ok
Her: wtf!!!
Her: wtf!!!
Her: back
Her: though i only have a few minutes
Her: what am i gonna do???
Her: i know you really should quit
Her: straight up leave that women if she can't even be bloody honest!!!
Her: sorry i'm just mad right now
Her: ya there?????
Bouncy Pouncy: hold on a sec
Her: ????
Bouncy Pouncy: talking to chris
Her: about?
Her: hi chris
Bouncy Pouncy: anyways, I told her that I have other job opprotunities and I chose to work for her (see last sentence of my response)
Her: yeah
Bouncy Pouncy: i am going to call my other two job prospects tomorrow even if I have to walk the mile to the pay phone
Her: hehe
Her: i'll be at bbv
Bouncy Pouncy: what are you doing tomorrow?
Her: 10-2, then planned on going to the dmv to try again
Her: i'm so pissed right now!!!!
Bouncy Pouncy: i thought you didn't have to work tomorrow
Bouncy Pouncy: ???
Bouncy Pouncy: hours and such
Her: though i want to now her real reason for not hiring me
Bouncy Pouncy: i know
Bouncy Pouncy: i'm wondering the same thing
Her: no i have to train richie, though i might let dale know that i'm not actually going anywhere
Her: i think i'm going to cry...
Bouncy Pouncy: dale will be happy
Bouncy Pouncy: i'm so sorry sweetie
Her: cause i really wanted to work there
Her: i had to get a tissue
Bouncy Pouncy: she acted so enthusiastic when she met you on monday begging you to come back as soon as you could, telling you that you were wasting your time at blockbuster, and then tried to blame me for your "misunderstanding" of the fact that she was offering you a job
Her: i'm angry as hell, and i will DEMAND to know the reason she is not keeping me!
Her: though get this she has not fired me yet
Bouncy Pouncy: she's saying she never hired you
Her: she has to fire me because you do not have the authority
Bouncy Pouncy: she's saying *I* promised you the job, not her
Her: WTF!!!!!
Her: she's the one who told you to get me the lesson plans!!!
Bouncy Pouncy: "Since you promised Kristen a job, would you please tell her I do not have
any positions open at this time. "
Her: like hell she doesn't
Bouncy Pouncy: Teaching at Gymboree requires a degreed
teacher.
Her: it does?
Bouncy Pouncy: also, if you weren't hired in the first place, why is she offering to pay you for your time?
Bouncy Pouncy: that was a quote from her
Her: then you can't do it either?
Bouncy Pouncy: sorry, forgot the " "
Bouncy Pouncy: "I will pay her $35 for her time on Friday."
Her: and like you said she has teachers there who aren't certified
Bouncy Pouncy: i wasn't aware that you needed a degree to sell clinique
Her: i probably have more schooling then her other two teachers
Her: clinique?
Her: what's that?
Her: she's not being honest with people!
Bouncy Pouncy: jenny, her proclaimed best teacher, sold clinique at the mall before coming to work for her
Bouncy Pouncy: clinique is makeup
Her: that's what truley bugs
Her: doesn't mean she doesn't have certifications....
Bouncy Pouncy: she doesn't
Her: god, i'm now her worst enemy!!!!
Bouncy Pouncy: something occured to me too
Her: now i'm pissed and will let her know how much!
Her: very quick!!
Bouncy Pouncy: no, dont
Bouncy Pouncy: let me handle this
Her: why the hell not?
Bouncy Pouncy: trust me please
Her: angie, luvs and all but i doubt you can get me the job
Bouncy Pouncy: that's not what I said I would do
Bouncy Pouncy: just let me handle this
Her: and she will get it, because i will report her!! damn it!!!
Bouncy Pouncy: something occurred to me
Her: what are you going to do?
Her: what?
Bouncy Pouncy: you and I are the only two there without children of our own
Her: so?
Her: you think that's the reason?
Bouncy Pouncy: and suddenly a woman comes in who has kids that wants to teach there
Her: DISCRIMINATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bouncy Pouncy: and at the same time trisha realizes that you don't have the qualifications
Bouncy Pouncy: after telling you to leave blockbuster and alter your schedule and study the lessonplans so you can start teaching there
Bouncy Pouncy: and she turns this on me
Her: holy crap, what am i going to do?
Her: i have no choice i have to go back to bbv
Bouncy Pouncy: is there anyone in your congregation with a legal background?
Her: HEHEHEEHEH
Her: oh, yes!!!!!!111
Bouncy Pouncy: i'm serious
Her: and one that can get me in touch with someone
Her: i gtg
Bouncy Pouncy: i'm printing out a copy of the online ad looking for teachers
Her: i'll be on once i get back okay
Her: church
Bouncy Pouncy: ok. i'll be here
Her: i have to go PRAY that i won't kill this women!!!
Me: you won't
Her: i'm leaving it online so you can just leave me notes, til i get back
Her: bye

It's one thing to jerk around me, but you don't fuck with my friends. Ever.

Progress is being made....

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 02:14:40 GMT

Ok, so the gardens are done. The master bedroom is painted, but needs touchup to the white on the trim and ceiling. I need to replace the decorative trim on the baseboards. The kitchen is clean and somewhat useable (at least for cooking small meals). I'm starting bedroom two tomorrow (painting it a wedgewood blue color...pretty!) and should have that done by Monday (I have places to be tomorrow and Sunday).

And still no offers. :(

Pictures!!!

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 05:28:51 GMT

I finally got around to taking some pictures of the house. I haven't taken many, just the bathrooms, hallway, foyer. I still need more of the other rooms. There are also pics of the outside gardens (which are STILL not finished...damn heat...), and of the puppup! Yea Bouncy! :D Plus, there is someone who may be interested in putting in an offer within the next 2 to 3 weeks! *crossing fingers* They'll be doing a walkthough sometime the week of the 7th. I'll let you all know.

Pictures here!

I am so fucked.

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 16:03:23 GMT

And I don't mean in a good way.

My car is broken. I mean stuck in a parking lot and won't start broken. I thought it was the battery but after trying to jump it failed, the concensus seems to be that the starter went out. Damn it. Now I am stuck in Virginia Beach at my mom's place waiting for Rick to come home so he can go look at it and hopefully *crossing fingers* fix it. If not, I am so *Screwed* with a capital S.

Ok, here's the story. I woke up yesterday at 1:30pm after having slept for 18 hours. (This is important, I swear.) Chris came home around 4:30pm, sick as all hell. Unfortunately he had to go back to work at 8pm and got home around 9:30pm. When he got home, he started to go straight to bed, telling me the he had thrown up all over himself while driving home. While in the car. Eeeewwww.... He got puke on and in my car. Eeeewwww.... Anyways, he said he cleaned up what he could. No biggie, but still, eeeewwww....

Anyways, I needed the car today for a crazy doc appt (which I am going to miss...again...) so I was going to take him to work this morning at 6am so I could use the car. However, I could not sleep at all last night so ended up staying up all night long. This is where the 18 hours of sleep the day before came into play. I drove him to the base, 45 minutes away, on pure adrenaline. Insomnia induced adrenaline. Yeah baby, yeah.

Well, when we get there, he tells me that he is going to go into sick call and get an excuse to go home today since he was too sick to work. He came back an hour later saying he still hadn't been seen and to wait a little longer. Impatient me still hasn' slept and is starting to get sleepy at this point. Anyways, I am sitting in the car listening to the radio. Dumb mistake. Suddenly, the car dies. Not suddenly, but an hour and a half later. Ok. The battery went dead. No big deal. I have had this happen before. Last time this happened, I waited an hour and was able to start the car no problem and let it run to recharge the battery. Not this time. An hour later, still not starting. I had battery power. I had radio, lights, power locks and windows. No engine. It would click. It would feign turning over, but it wouldn't fucking turn. GOD DAMN IT!!! WTF!!!11!!one!!1!

I had to beg for a jump that wouldn't work, phone to call my mom to get a ride to her place to wait for Rick to come home to go and look at my car and...well...you know the rest.

The sad thing is that I have no money to fix my car and Chris's car is sitting in a parking lot with two, not one, but two, flat tires and no way to replace them right now.

Shoot me.

Love is...

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 20:12:21 GMT

...a purry kitty standing on your lap snuggling your face with his head.

Love is not that same purry kitty kneading his claws into the bare flesh of your boobs beacuse the tanktop you are (barely) wearing is extremely low cut.

Ouch.

I didn't realize it had been so long since I've posted...

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 00:18:49 GMT

*sigh* I've been suffering from a case of general listlessness. My insomnia is taking over again, keeping me up until 5am, 6 am, sometimes later. When I do pass out from exhaustion, I sleep until 2pm, 3pm, 4pm, sometimes later. I am working on rehabing the master bedroom, but it is slow and frustrating. The dumb asshole who I bought this place from put up wallpaper and then new baseboards over the wallpaper. I am going to have to rip out the baseboards in order to get the wallpaper off completely and then replace them with new ones. Damn it. The house has been on the market for 3 weeks and we've only had 2 walk throughs and no offers that I know of. My agent is out of the country right now and all of the assmunches in her office aren't telling me anything.

I am getting very restless and impatient. I want to leave Virginia.

But first, some silliness.

Have you ever had the feeling....

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 18:28:44 GMT

that you were easily forgotten? That when you are not there, that you are not missed? Have you ever felt that the smiles fade the moment you step out of the room? That you need to be everywhere at once just so you don't fade into oblivion? You are not on the forefront of anyone's mind. No one randomly thinks of you and smiles. As soon as you are out of sight, you are truely out of mind.

Have you ever has the feel that you don't exist?

Orange chicken...

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 01:57:41 GMT

Today, I gave my fortune away. It was completely random and fun. :D

Exhaustion overcometh.....

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 19:03:32 GMT

I've only been awake less than a half hour. I wok eup breifly this morning to take Kristen to work, could not find my keys, called her, and crashed out again. From Saturday to Sunday, I was awake for 21 hours, took an hour and a half nap, was awake for another 3 hours, took a 2 hour nap, and then was up 11 hours.

However, the house is clean. Yea! It even smells good in here. Citrus. Mmmm... No more cat pee smells! :D

Anyways, made a wonderful dinner of enchiladas. Between the three of us (me, Kristen, and Chris), we ate a full pan. Still have a full pan left. Dinner tonight. Yummm...

Anyways, I am still pretty damn exhausted. I think I will take pictures of the house to post up here later. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

12 hours and counting....

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 04:11:37 GMT

We have a showing tomorrow. My agent called me about 12 hours ago and asked me if it would be ok to bring some potentiol buyers around tomorrow (well, today, now) between noon and 2pm. I said sure. Hmmm... Well, I've spent all day scrubbing, and I do mean scrubbing the upstairs to sparkling perfection (only took me about 8 straight hours of cleaning) and Chris spent a few hours after he got home from work cleaning the outside of the house. Now I get to go to the dreaded downstairs and throw things into boxes hastily so I can scrub the downstairs to sparkling perfection. *sigh*

On top of that, I have to take the cats and dog with me tomorrow when we vacate the house for the buyers. That's going to be fun. Though it should be easier to do now, since we are down to two kitties now. Harley, my little hyper boy, went to the shelter to find a new home. I made an arrangement that if he has not been adopted to a good home in a week, we're going to take him back and find him a home privately. Butters found a home tonight. I posted an add on craigslist (heheheh...thanks Kev for making me a CL whore too...) and got a response the next day. She came down here, met him, fell in love, and took him home. She was a really nice person, has a big house, a teenage son, and has been wanting a kitty for awhile now. She happened across my ad and replied. Butters will be an only kitty in her house so he will have full reign of the castle. No more dominant kitties trying to beat up on him (damn Ravynne...). I hope he's happy there. I'm going to call her in a few days and check up on him. Anyways, I need to get back to cleaning. So much left to do! I swear I am going to crash out tomorrow... But for tonight, I am downing Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso&Cremes... :D

Btw: the new userpic is of my sweet Butters in mid-meow. Isn't he so gorgeous? :)

Is it just me? Am I the one with the problem here?

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 06:31:32 GMT

I'm not sure. I think it's me. It MUST be me. There is no other explaination for it, because it CAN'T be him. Nope. Can't be.

Once again, I have bitten off more than I can chew. I got an estimate on Wednesday for a cleaning service to come in on Friday morning (today) to do a deep cleaning of the house to get it in showable condition. That gave me two days to get the rest of the house packed up. Not an unreasonable goal. There wasn't much to do. The majority of the trash was out, the items were seperated, and boxes were aplenty. So, why, after two days (one floor per day goal) is it only half done? Why? Because, as always, Chris did not do SHIT!!! And, the worse part is that, even after asking him, begging him, ordering him, pestering him, bugging him, making lists for him, I let him not do a damn thing. And when he did do something, he did it wrong. Intentionally? Maybe, but I doubt it. I think he was subconsciously doing it wrong knowing that I would get frustrated and tell him to get out of my way so I could do it right.

Example: The foyer. A small entryway that measures maybe 5'x15', not including the staircase. It has in it a long narrow table always covered in stuff, a small wire 2 shelf rack for bills, and a keyholder on the wall. I asked him to get rid of the overflowing junk mail pile, clean off the table and rack, get the shoes out of the way, and take out the pile of tattered boxes. What does he do? Moves half of the junk into the living room, including the damn table itself and calls it done. WTF?!?! I go down there, tell him what needs to be fixed, he gets huffy and puffy, bitches, and then says he will fix it. How does he fix it? He moved the rest of the shit into the living room.

I asked him to clean off the couch. He moved the shit onto the floor instead.

I asked him to clean the breezeway. He moved the shit into the dining room.

I asked him to clean up the huge pile of laundry from out of the middle of the dining room floor. He didn't.

I asked him to clean out the fridge. He didn't.

Now, all of this may seem like alot, but you have to consider that this is a small percentage of the stuff that has to be done, and who is left to complete these tasks: me. So far, the entire upstairs has been packed completely of nonessentials and had a general cleaning (3 bedrooms worth). The upstairs toilet is now functional (after 8 fucking months). The dining room has been stripped of 90% of it's wallpaper. The master bedroom has been stripped of 10% of it's wallpaper. Both bathrooms have been painted. 75% of our belongings have been given away, thrown away, or sold. Half of the kitchen has been packed. All breakables have been packed. 16 loads of laundry has been cleaned and packed. One garden has been torn out and replanted. 3 bushes/trees have been planted/transplanted. The large garden has been 25% torn out (damn rain). The house has been listed. All done by me, most of it while I was still working a fulltime job.

And now, I am going to have to ask the cleaning people to only tackle the upstairs and come back after the weekend (which will be Wednesday because they are closed Monday and Tuesday for the holiday) to do the downstairs because it's 2:30am and I am exhausted and do not have the energy to do in 6 hours what it took me to do in 2 days -> pack up an entire floor of the house.

This is fucking ridiculous.

Really fucking ridiculous.

I have a house... edit

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 16:58:18 GMT

Not for long. Hopefully. I officially listed the house yesterday. $199,900. The agent thinks that since it is under $200k (technically), the phone should start blowing up for lookieloos. Again, hopefully. The only thing that worries me about selling it is the kitchen. When I say it's disgusting, I mean it. I will be posting pictures shortly, after I pack everything up. I have most of the stuff together, but it actually needs to go into the boxes. *sigh* Anyways, I also had a cleaning service come over and quote me for how much it would be to do a good cleaning on this place. $425. Ouch. I'm gonna have to think about that one. I might just slap paint on everything instead of having someone come in and scrub the walls. Anyways, I have to finish packing all of the personal belongings up before Saturday. The agent wants the house in showable condition by Saturday. *sigh* I hate putting my life in a box.

Anyways, I'm done procrastinating. For now...

Mental spaghetti....

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 18:05:31 GMT

So many things going through my head. I really don't know where to start. Let's see, how about where I left off last.

I haven't seen my shrink again yet (I see her on Tuesday) but I know I need a serious dose change to my meds. My swings are still in full effect, and the intensity is flucuating. Before, they were quick and mild, and now they are getting stronger again. Damn I hate myself sometimes.

I was able to run away, despite a serious problem that almost cancelled it at the last minute. On Sunday, Chris and I got into some serious huge fights and I told him I couldn't wait to move away from him. He got seriously depressed and suicidal and that resulted in a night stay for him in the psych ward. The local hospital that he went to first wanted to commit him, but since he's active duty, he was transferred to the Naval Hospital (fucking piece of shit bastards that they are) and they discharged him. I had to take him the next morning (the day I was supposed to leave) to the walkin psych clinic and we sat there for 4 hours for him to be seen for 15 minutes to get a prescription for Zoloft and told to go check out of his command and get reassigned to NOB for LLD (Light Limited Duty). He's still in the process of being reassigned. He went and got his prescription and went to his command to give them his new orders and their reply was "Have you taken your pills yet? If not, then don't. You have to stay." You gotta love a command who is more worried about the manning status of the boat than the wellbeing of the sailors on it. Plus, he's on a submarine and they have the highest suicide rate out of anyone in the Navy. Things that make you go Hmmm...

Anyways, I ended up being selfish and leaving, albeit a few hours later than I wanted, and after construction, traffic, and 6 hours on the road, I got to where I wanted to. It was a wonderful escape filled with laziness, relaxation, not having any commitments to do anything, and naps. Wonderful. I didn't want to leave to come home.

And rightfully so. When I got back, the stress started again. Apparently I have to look for a new real estate agent since apparently my agent doesn't care anything about my house enough to call me back. Anyways, I am still planning on having it on the market by the 30th (or very very soon there after). I need to make a to-do list to stay focused. *sigh* Still working on the garden and living room though. Need to pack up the kitchen, finish packing the clothes, etcetcetc.

Well, my back muscles are tight, I have a headache, and I need to go and give money to random bill collectors so I can keep the remaining utilities that I do have...

My shrink said I'm crazy...

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 23:34:19 GMT

And that I am. According to doc, (and yet another new doc at that, not the one I've been talking to lately), it seems that my bipolar is not what is causing my manias and my panic attacks. She thinks it's my borderline personality disorder. Makes sense. The wild mood swinging, the quick temper changes, the panic attacks, the periods of overfunctioning followed by periods of nonfunctioning. My bipolar is very seasonal, and with all of the stressors happening, it's sending my borderline over the edge.

Also, here's an interesting twist: I may not have OCD. She thinks it's a coping mechanism for the chaos in my life. She thinks that I resort to something methodical in order to self-soothe (I'm a counter). Hmmm... Interesting theory. I'm going to have to look into this more.

Anyways, I had to quit my job suddenly. I had another attack and the options from the doc were a) eliminate the stressor immediately or b) go back into the hospital for another day or two. I chose a. I am absolutely kicking myself because of it too. That store has enough going on that it does not need to add being short a manager on top of it. I feel so guilty. Everyone close to me is saying I shouldn't, that I need to fix myself before I shatter completely. However, those in the store who are not fully aware of what has been happening hate me, I'm sure of it. I hope not. I already miss them and I hate myself for doing this to them. Damn it. Also, for lack of any other way to get this across, Lizardo,

There are a lot of things you don't know. First, I have severe rapid cycling bipolar disorder, among other things. I have not tried to hide this, but I have been trying to hide the severity of it, and the severity of this has been increasing for some time. When I said I was hospitalized the last time I went out sick, I was in the psych ward. I had a mental meltdown and Chris got so scared that he took me to the ER and tried to have me committed. Because I was not an immediate threat to myself, they could not keep me more than a night. R already knows about this because in his panic, he called her to tell her that I would not be coming in and he didn't know when I would be coming back since he was going to have me committed (at least this is what he told me since I don't even remember anything about this day other than going to see a movie early that morning and having lunch at Panera). I had talked to R a few weeks ago (about 2 weeks before my vacation) when I asked for the 14th off. I told her that I was having psychological problems again and that I needed to go back on meds. The 14th was/is the day I was supposed to get screened for new meds. However, the stay at the hospital has changed that appointment into a medcheck instead. Anyways, I told her everything and warned her that I could not control my emotions or actions and that it was starting to affect my work and that if it affected it too much to knock me on my ass. She said ok.

Now, about today. I had another breakdown and I remember talking to my doctor on the phone. He advised me that because of the increasing in severity and frequency of these panic attacks that it would not be a good idea for me to continue working and that if I wanted to stay out of the hospital tonight, I needed to call out of work and stay home. Chris called, on his orders, because I was unable to. I had planned to work out my notice, but I was unable to.

As far as that is concerned, my leaving has NOTHING to do with you, R, or anyone else in that store. I have so much guilt about doing that to all of you. R works hard enough as it is and she doesn't need a shit like me making her work harder. I could no longer carry my weight and was making things worse on all of you. Also, it has nothing to do with not getting a promotion or a transfer. Due to the lack of seeing you in the store, you were unaware of several things: a) I am not moving to Connecticut, b) I am moving to Arizona, c) I planned on leaving Blockbuster for good to return to school fulltime, d) I'm going to the University of Arizona, e) I do not plan on working while going to school, f) for my own sanity, I was leaving now instead of waiting until I moved.

Now, hate me if you wish. I won't blame you. I have enough hate for me as it is. Chris said R understood and wanted me be get better. I hope that's true. Call me selfish, but I think my own sanity should take precedence over the needs of Blockbuster.

Anyways, the moodswings are very frequent, and with the exception of a few, are leveling off in intensity. My doc says having outlets for the stress (like ripping up the house and putting it back together) is a good thing. I hope so. Maybe now I can get the damn thing finished and up on the market.

Besides, I am running away next week. For a few days, at least.

"I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together...."